Lent

I will say it once and again that I am not as Catholic as so many out there are. I simply do not have that drive to be as Catholic based on the fact that I no longer feel like I should belong to a Catholic church.

Consciously, I will still raise up my hand and give the signal that means, "In the name of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit," but it's just out of habit. Also, I still believe that if I don't give out the signal in a Catholic church, God will shun me for being a bad Catholic.

But with Lent coming around again, I feel as though it is time to begin the matters of giving up things for it.

One of the usual things that I give up for lent is fast food, chips, soda, and candy. I strive to pull myself forward away from the greasy delicacies and ignore the sweet tooth for forty days. Sadly, I cheat and find loopholes like, "Subway isn't fast food," and, "I can eat this because it isn't fast food."

This year, I want to do that but also so much more.

For one, I spend a lot of time on the internet, just trolling around doing nothing productive on Tumblr, facebook, YouTube, or recently 9gag. Each website has taken over my time and effort to want to work out, or find a good spot to finish reading books that I have on my shelf and whatnot.

So here is my intentions of limiting my internet leisure time. I will not be accessing my facebook, Tumblr, YouTube, or anything social media for the entire day. It isn't until I fall asleep that I will decide to check it. And even then, unless it is important to check it, I will abstain if it means that I need to sleep or do something much more productive.

In other words, I am in charge of deciding whether or not I want to read posts or see feedback or watch videos.

I know that with Youtube it is very often that I will be checking, simply because that is where I normally get my news. So, yeah, I already know I am going to rule out that possibility of abstinence towards it. The rest I feel pretty confident.

Other than quitting the majority of the media cold turkey, I decided to sacrifice all types of meat, such as pork, chicken, and beef. I will not eat anything with meat for these next 40 days.

I will also still hold out on the usual: fast food, chips, soda, and candy.

A lot on my plate, I know. But, I feel as though this challenge that I have presented on myself will better help me get focused on me and what I need to do (or not do) in order to better accomplish and go out this year with a bang. (Bang meaning I am graduating and want to make sure I have an idea what to do once done with school)

Think I can do it?

Coughing and Sneezing

Sneezing and coughing.

Not a pretty sight at all if you ask me. The snot is seductively approaching your bottom lip and you forcibly wipe it away hoping it gets the memo. It doesn't as it playfully tries to follow the same path the previous boogers before it. They aren't so quick to surrender.

So you do the next best thing, take in a deep breath. As you do so, your lungs inhale with the sounds of a motorbike trying to come to life but lifelessly returning into pockets that are shaped in your nose.

The coughs that come out are not pretty either. You brace yourself to cover the shame with your hands, and desperately reach for the antibacterial green hand sanitizer that is conveniently sitting on your desk.

Use me, it says. You're all germy until you use me.

One pump later and you brace yourself for the next cough.

Only this time, the cough turns into a hack. Not a hack like the internet is so fond of. The type of hack where the sounds escaping from your esophagus actually turn up with a prize. A prize that is clear and gooey like the hand sanitizer or a light green silly putty.

You need this. You need it out of your system. That's the only way to get better.

You pop pills that are over the counter, wait for it to take effect, then wait another 4-6 hours for the next dosage. You want to say to yourself, I am not sick, it's just a little cold. But then your body hits you with a strong sneeze.

It's one of those sneezes that you need to control if you are in public. Not so much if you are alone in your room with your chicken soup and bunched up Kleenex tissues. When that sneeze hits you, your whole body convulses as your eyes close tightly and your head lunges forward. The debris of the sneeze is evident as you open your eyes and see the tiny specks of bacteria infesting the air. It's those types of sneezes that you have to watch out for in public, or else they will infect the rest of those around you.

You swallow the warm gunk back into your body instead of  releasing it onto a tissue space that is conveniently lurking behind the desk phone. It's not on your desk, and the little packet of tissues that your mom gave you to stuff in your backpack was clumsily left at home. You regret not packing it.

Curse your constant bickering with yourself that you are not sick. You are.

And yet you are still in denial.

Because you believe the science that it is all mental rather than physical.

And your bones are obviously telling you it is physical.

Valentine's Day Through the eyes of a Fat Chick

Valentine's day. The day where cupid kick starts your hormonal engines into overdrive and forces you to secrete all these lovey dovey toxins.

That's if you are in a relationship. If not, then you secrete a different kind of emotion based solely on the fact that you are single: rage.

Which is strange. Why should the plus or minus of a person in your life ruin one day out of 365 (or in this case 366 because it's a leap year)?

I for one am single, but I feel far from forever alone memes imply. I have family that love me everyday, friends that show affection towards me and not to mention my own selfishness in brashly explaining that-case in point- I love myself.

I think that having all these other people extradite all this love around me brings happier times. It makes me have that faith in humanity because there is still love in the world. Can you imagine a life without love? Go watch Moulin Rouge and see what they have to say.

I love seeing love. I love the fact that people are in love. I don't like seeing people make out in the broad daylight. That is a much different type of love that has a more erotic aspect. I love seeing the couples holding hands. The small smiles they direct towards one another. The simple gestures of gentlemen acting chivalrous and the women daintily thanking them with a simple look. I love seeing those types of romantics out on the streets because that is a true example of a loving couple. They don't have to be all over each other to show that they love each other. They show it discreetly, as if that look is meant only for the one that they are with.

I don't believe that by having a relationship it would make you blissful and happy through all your days. If that is all that you have going for you, set your priorities in a different order. Don't breathe for another person; breathe for yourself. Be selfish and take the other's air supply because when it comes down to it, you are going to want it when the going gets tough *cough* ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE *cough*

I don't think of me as being cynical or neurotic on such a festive day. I just don't believe that you need one day to show a person that you love them. I tell my mom and dad (when I see him) that I love them. I don't need a day to tell me that. She pushed me out of her lady parts and he gave me my body type. I have to show that I love them everyday. And my sisters and my brother and my cousins and my nieces and nephews and whatnot. I love telling them and showing them how much I love them. I can't get enough sloppy kisses from my dogs. The wagging of their tails.

And don't push me in the closet just yet because I feel like I can go on forever right now. Love, to me, is unconditional. I love being in relationships but I won't make it the highlight of my life because there are other things that are far more important. I have school, I have work, I have friends. I'm not trying to make an excuse for myself but to add a relationship on top of everything that I have would just mean no time for me. And as I mentioned before I am one selfish being.

But would I like that special someone to bring me flowers or just a card or even just a hug accompanied by a kiss? Of course I would, who wouldn't?

But, I don't. And again, not killing myself over not having a boyfriend. I don't believe that I have found that person that gives me butterflies as well as goosebumps. That can trigger my mind with questions as well as trigger other parts of my body. I haven't met that person that makes me look at the world and say, "You are the nicest thing I have ever seen." I still haven't found what I am looking for. Not even sure that I will find it anytime soon. But I'm not depressed because I won't have someone to share all this love that I have for others. I will just give it away as I go throughout the day, and continue writing points of view revolving around what I consider important or not.

To all you singles out there. I love you. Happy singles awareness day. Take time in finding that special someone or stop looking so they can find you.

For the couples, happy Valentines day. Show them how much you love them without it losing a PG rating. Honestly no one wants to see that in public. We like to watch our porn behind closed doors.

For the haters, grow up. It's just another day. You don't like the smooching couples, look away. I'm sure if you stare at the sky you won't find anybody making out. Unless you see a cloud shaped like one.

Fighting Sickness

It's the last seven minutes before I am done with work. I just thought I would discuss my theories of battling sickness.

It comes to me because I am battling a little war myself with a sore throat and apparently another headache. What I have come to learn is that to be sick is a battle of wills.

If you tell yourself that you are not sick, you will be fine. You will carry on your day like you would any other day that you are not sick.

If, however, your attitude is sour, and you don't feel like you will be the victor by the time rolls around to when you have to apply yourself, you will lose everything.

Not everything like your house and stuff. I mean your mentality, your healthy glow that is gilded within a coat of bacteria infested corpse.

I am telling myself to this point that I am not sick. That the sore throat I am experiencing is just a nuisance. Nothing can put me to bed right now.

I have midterms to worry about, to keep me from caring much about a sickness.

Senate Material?

I have a meeting today for the Senate Council at my school. Did you not hear? I was elected to be a part of the religious committee for the Senate this year. My senior year. Yay.

Notice the lack of enthusiasm that should have followed after the 'yay.' There was none.

I don't think of me as being a big time involver with any school activities. On the contrary, I am more along the sidelines, hearing what the big whoop is all about.

Now I have to come up with a project that I still don't know what to do. I want to say that I want to jumpstart a program that revolves around writing and reading, but I doubt anyone would want to do that so late in the year. Maybe that could have been something to do in the beginning of the year to have it finalized and fixed by now.

I think the other reason that I am not as involved as others is because I don't dorm. I would rather stay at home and just work on what I need to here.

I didn't think college would just swing by like it did. But it has. And I don't regret it.

I do sometimes. But not as often as others. I really just want to claim my independence and see just how hard (or easy) my life is going to be.

Oh well, back to planning.

I am still too committed

Today was the release of Naruto chapter 573 on Mangastream (go check it out for all your manga streaming needs). It has been give or take five or some odd years since I began this journey with Masashi Kishimoto about a boy in an orange jumpsuit determined to be the best Hokage the village of Konohagakure has ever seen. Ironic no that his father was the best and now he wants to usurp that position of higher power?

Five (or some odd) years later, I am still as giddy as an avid beginning fan girl flailing her arms and having her eyes bulge out at the announcement of a new chapter. My friend in class saw me have my little fan girl moment. I had to explain my little squeak that escaped my larynx.

Needless to say I was not as embarrassed as I should have been.

And for good reason. I have followed this anime/manga since its infancy; when Masashi took the risk of pairing a hyperactive ninja, a brooding emo, and a pink haired lovesick girl into what has been infamously known as Team 7. I love them still and even though I do not watch the anime fillers (because they are and forever will be a waste of time you will never get back), I am completely devoted to the manga.

And, I assume that the manga is coming to a close (573 chapters, really? Even Bleach doesn't have that much although it is getting there), I will not be sad. Everything eventually has to come to an end. I will be in a way relieved because I finally will know if Sasuke will go back to the village or if he will die. If Naruto will die or become Hokage and live happily ever after with Hinata. If Sakura will be the next Tsunade (minus the rack; that award goes to Hinata or Ino) and be able to rehabilitate Sasuke. And of course I want know about the rest of the characters and their fates as well. As intriguing as the story arc is getting, I don't mind reaching the end, because of how long I have been waiting.

In truth, one more kick ass fight, tears of appreciation towards Kishimoto's genius of inventing such a world, and I'll take up the rest of my time maybe watching the fillers.

Maybe.

Headaches

I thought that my headache would go away if I ate a banana. It didn't.

I thought it would go away if I drank some water. It didn't.

I thought it would go away if I stepped outside. It didn't.

I thought it would go away if I wrote about it. It's not.

I believe that it was the coffee that I decided to drink today. Instead of the green tea that was being offered. Now, in retrospect, I regret not taking a green tea to pour into the hot water I could have gotten from my work place.

I just knew that it started to hurt (my head did) while I was drinking the last bit of coffee that was staining the white mug I brought to school today. Upon the first sip I thought it was too strong and needed a little sugar. But, being that I am a lazy at heart I just gulped it down in that bitter fashion. Bitter gulp after gulp.

Now, my head is spiraling out of control. There are these little instances it hits me like a boxer hits a punching bag, and I am that said punching bag. Other times, I am mellowed and calmly relaxed.

I feel my muscles tensing from time to time, and it feels like my fingers are developing a mind of their own because they are typing too fast for me to even begin establishing comprehensible thoughts. But, they also are beginning to write with errors so I still need to go back and correct their error in spelling.

I went outside and stayed on the steps and let the sun soak in my sweater. It's too cold in my work place, so that was a nice change. The dark navy sweater warmed my back up a ton, but it still didn't dissuade the headache from leaving me completely.

As I stayed in that spot letting the Vitamin D work its way into my skin, I noticed a bumble bee. Not a wasp, because they look orange and yellow. This was a bumble bee because it was fuzzy (I was that close to it), it was black and it was yellow.

My first instinct was to kill it if it came too close. And by close I mean a foot between my sandal and it. But it didn't, luckily, or else I would be wanted for murder in the first degree. I was just awaiting the subpoena papers that were going to present itself in a buggy fashion. Or would it be an insectly fashion?

The bee was rotating within itself; it didn't move from the step it seemed to have been stuck on. I just casually thought, 'just fly away bee. Why don't you fly away?'

I didn't give it much thought that it could have been hurt, its wings were damaged, or it was drunk and didn't know the way home. Maybe he had an abusive queen bee in the hive and he was not looking forward to returning. Maybe he was drunk off his honey nectar that he collected that day as he was pollinating the rest of the flowers.

Or maybe, and this thought I believed most to be true, was that it had a searing headache from drinking too much bitter coffee.

I knew exactly how it felt.

Never can say good bye

I have clothes in my closet and drawers that have been there since I was a freshmen in high school. I am soon to be a graduate in college with a Bachelor's in English writing. To say that I have a hard time getting rid of some clothes is an understatement.

I don't know what it is about my old clothes that gives me a hard time to throw into a black garbage bag and slump it away into the garage forgotten. They are clothes that I have ripped (like the edges of my jeans are always ripped because they are too long), no longer fit me (because obviously I have gained a tiny bit of weight), or I have no more use for them.

And now, I have a hoodie that I got my senior year of high school that has the majority of all these aforementioned problems.

I received my black 2008 hoodie in 2008 (if you can believe that) and wore that hoodie to no end. I was always kept warm and tightly snug in it, and it never gave me any problems.

Until I ripped it in my sister's gate.

That menacing death trap grabbed a hold of me and my hoodie, and like a martyr it buffered me and was wounded in the process.

That was the first hit it received.

Next, I started noticing that it was slowly peeling away at the pocket, like the stitching has had enough and decided to retreat and rebel. Soon, things were falling out of that pocket to the point where I couldn't trust my hoodie to hold my things anymore. I was saddened but still wanted to keep it around. The elastic was still strong.

But now, every time I place it over my head, the hole seems smaller. And when it is time to yank it off, it's like my head grew three sizes that night, like the grinch's heart expanded. It actually hurts to pull off my hoodie over my head now.

So, now that it is causing me pain because it no longer fits, because it's ripping, and because it is no longer useful, I have decided that it was time to throw it away.

"Can I throw it away for you?" my mother asked me when I got home from school yesterday. I told her that I was going to throw away my precious hoodie and she showed no remorse like I was exemplifying all week. On the contrary, she hates that I wear that infernal black glob that just makes me look fatter.

"No, I am going to throw it away," I said. And even as I said it. I just knew that it will take me a while.

I still haven't thrown it away. Granted, I haven't really been home to actually be sprucing up my room and such. But I know the reason.

It's just so hard to say good bye to something that you had for a total of four years. For a total of any years.

I never can say goodbye. And actually mean it. Because I know that I don't want it to be the last thing. The last moment. The last of anything. I want things to last a while.

Maybe that's why I still haven't thrown away much of anything. I just leave them in the garage and with time forget about them. I don't do the dumping. My mom does.

And she loves getting rid of old things that don't matter anymore.

Maybe I should just move on and buy me a new hoodie. One that she will undoubtedly hate.

I'm thinking a crazy scream out loud color. Like Pink. With my school's logo on it.

Let's see how long this one will last.